Why I Had to Learn to Shut Up to Help My Clients Change

And how Motivational Interviewing saved my coaching career (and my sanity)

I used to be the worst kind of coach. You know the type—armed with solutions for everything, ready to fix every problem before my client even finished explaining it. I thought that's what good coaching looked like.

Boy, was I wrong.

Last year, I had this client who came to me wanting to lose weight. She was smart, successful, knew exactly what she "should" be doing. And week after week, she'd show up having done... nothing. Not one thing we'd discussed.

My inner overachiever was going absolutely bananas.

I'd send her articles about meal prep. She'd nod enthusiastically and do nothing. I'd create detailed workout plans. More nodding, zero action. I started staying up late crafting the "perfect" email that would finally motivate her to change.

Then one session, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I feel like I'm disappointing you every week, and I don't even know why I can't just do what you're telling me."

That's when it hit me. I wasn't helping her—I was making everything worse.

The Problem with Being "Helpful"

Here's the thing nobody tells you about coaching: our desperate need to help can actually hurt our clients.

When someone comes to us struggling, every fiber of our being wants to swoop in with solutions. It's like seeing someone drowning and throwing them seventeen different life preservers at once. Overwhelming? Absolutely. Helpful? Not so much.

I learned this the hard way when I discovered Motivational Interviewing (MI). At first, I honestly thought it was some touchy-feely nonsense. "You mean I'm supposed to just... listen? And not give advice? That's what they're paying me for!"

But then I realized something uncomfortable: most of my coaching was really about making me feel useful, not about helping my clients change.

Ouch.

The Inner Rebel Lives in All of Us

Think about the last time someone told you what you should do. Even if they were 100% right, didn't part of you want to do the exact opposite? That's not immaturity—that's being human.

We all have this inner resistant teenager who shows up when we feel pushed around. And boy, does this kid have opinions.

Your client says they want to exercise more, so you enthusiastically design a workout plan. Their inner teen goes, "Oh, you think you can tell me what to do? Watch this." Cue three weeks of Netflix binges.

MI taught me that this resistance isn't something to overcome—it's information. It's telling me I've stepped into the ring when I should've stayed in the corner.

What Motivational Interviewing Actually Is (Beyond the Fancy Name)

MI isn't really about interviewing, and honestly, the name makes it sound more complicated than it is. At its core, it's about having conversations that help people figure things out for themselves.

The whole approach is built on this wild idea: people are more likely to follow through on changes they talk themselves into rather than changes we convince them to make.

Revolutionary, right? (Why did it take me so long to figure this out?)

The Stages Nobody Talks About

Here's what really messed with my head: change isn't just one thing. It's a whole process, and most of us coaches assume our clients are ready for the final stage when they're actually still at the beginning.

I used to meet someone for the first time and immediately start planning their transformation. Meanwhile, they're sitting there thinking, "Do I even want to change? Is this person going to judge me? What have I gotten myself into?"

The stages look something like this:

• Precontemplation: "Change? What change? I'm fine."
• Contemplation: "Hmm, maybe I should do something..."
• Preparation: "Okay, I'm actually going to do this thing."
• Action: "Look at me doing the thing!"
• Maintenance: "I'm still doing the thing (most of the time)."
• Relapse: "Welp, back to square one."

Most coaching programs assume everyone's in the action stage. Most humans are not.

The OARS Method (Or: How to Have Better Conversations)

This is where MI gets practical. They use this acronym OARS, which sounds very official but is really just about being a better human in conversations.

O - Open Questions

Instead of asking, "Did you exercise this week?" (which basically invites them to lie or feel guilty), try "What was your week like with movement?"

I used to fire rapid-fire questions like some kind of wellness interrogation. Now I ask one good question and then... wait. Amazing what people will tell you when you're not rushing to the next thing.

A - Affirmations

This isn't toxic positivity—it's about noticing real strengths your client might not even see.

"I love how you keep showing up here even when things aren't going perfectly. That says something about who you are."

I'll be honest, this felt super awkward at first. But watching someone's face light up when they realize you actually see their efforts? That never gets old.

R - Reflections

This is where I had to learn to shut up and really listen. Reflections are like holding up a mirror to what someone just said, sometimes seeing things they missed.

Client: "I just can't seem to stick to anything." Me (old way): "Have you tried meal prepping?" Me (new way): "It sounds like you're frustrated with yourself for not following through."

The second approach usually leads somewhere. The first just makes people feel more broken.

S - Summarizing

Every so often, I'll reflect back everything I've heard: "So you're dealing with work stress, two kids, and you're exhausted by the end of the day. You want to feel healthier, but you're not sure where to start, and you're worried about failing again. Did I miss anything?"

It's like taking a step back and saying, "Here's your life right now. What makes sense for you?"

Rolling with Resistance (AKA: Stop Fighting Your Clients)

This might be the hardest part for us fix-it types. When a client pushes back, instead of pushing harder, we're supposed to... roll with it?

Here's what this looks like:

Client: "I'm just not a gym person."

Old me: "But exercise is so important! What about starting with just 10 minutes?"

New me: "You don't see yourself as someone who belongs in a gym."

Client: "Exactly! All those fit people... I feel like I don't know what I'm doing."

See how the second approach opens up the real issue? It's not about exercise—it's about feeling out of place.

I've learned that resistance usually means I've gotten ahead of my client. When I slow down and figure out what they're actually telling me, the resistance often melts away.

The Transformation That Surprised Me

Here's what nobody warned me about MI: it doesn't just change your clients—it changes you.

I spent so many years believing my worth as a coach depended on how quickly I could fix people's problems. MI forced me to sit with the discomfort of not having all the answers.

That client I mentioned earlier? The one who wasn't doing any of my brilliant suggestions? When I finally started really listening to her, I discovered she wasn't lazy or unmotivated. She was terrified.

Terrified of failing again. Terrified of taking up space at the gym. Terrified that even if she lost weight, she still wouldn't be happy.

No wonder my meal prep articles weren't working.

When I stopped trying to fix her and started helping her explore these fears, everything shifted. She didn't need a better plan—she needed to feel understood.

The Messy Reality of Change

MI taught me that change is weird and non-linear and often looks like nothing's happening for a long time before everything happens at once.

Sometimes the most important sessions are the ones where we don't talk about nutrition or exercise at all. We talk about perfectionism, or childhood stuff, or why they feel guilty for wanting things for themselves.

I used to think these conversations were off-topic. Now I know they're often the only conversations that matter.

What This Means for You (If You're Ready)

If you're a coach who's feeling frustrated with resistant clients, here's my challenge: try talking less.

I know, I know. It feels wrong. But next time someone comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to immediately solve it. Ask them what they think instead.

"What do you make of that?" "What's your sense of what might work?" "If you were giving advice to a friend in this situation, what would you say?"

See what happens when you treat people like experts on their own lives instead of problems to be solved.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Here's what I wish someone had told me earlier: if you're having to convince someone to change, they're probably not ready to change. And that's okay.

Our job isn't to drag people kicking and screaming toward health. It's to create a space where they can figure out what they actually want and what they're actually willing to do about it.

Some days, that's nothing. And that's still a successful session if they leave feeling heard and understood.

Where I Am Now

I'm not going to lie and say I've mastered this. Last week I totally fell back into advice-giving mode with a new client who was struggling with emotional eating. Old habits die hard.

But here's the difference: now I notice when I'm doing it. And I can pause and get curious instead.

"Actually, hold on. I'm jumping into solution mode. What's this like for you? What are you noticing?"

The work is ongoing, both for me and for my clients. And somehow, that makes it more human and more sustainable.

If you're interested in learning more about MI, I can't recommend it enough. It's not just a coaching technique—it's a different way of being with people. And in a world where everyone's trying to fix everyone else, simply listening is pretty radical.

What's your experience with resistant clients? Have you found approaches that work? I'd love to hear your thoughts—drop me a comment or connect with me directly.