Stop Trying to Be Tough (Try This Instead)

I used to think I was weak.

Every morning, I'd stare at my running shoes and make excuses. Too tired. Too busy. Too... soft. My inner critic had a field day with this narrative. "Real men don't skip workouts," it would whisper. "Tough people push through."

So I tried to become tough. I plastered motivational quotes on my bathroom mirror. I listened to podcasts about Navy SEALs. I even bought a cold plunge tub that mostly collected dust in my garage.

The result? I felt like I was wearing an ill-fitting costume.

The Toughness Trap (And Why It Might Not Be For You)

Don't get me wrong - toughness works for some people. Carol Dweck's research shows us that praising effort over intelligence creates more resilient students. The author of the piece I read recently makes a compelling case for cultivating toughness as an identity that drives behavioral change.

But here's what bothers me about the "embrace toughness" approach: it assumes we all need to become the same type of person to succeed.

What if you're naturally curious rather than combative? What if your superpower is empathy, not endurance? What if forcing yourself into a "tough" identity feels like trying to write poetry with your non-dominant hand?

I discovered this the hard way when I finally stopped trying to be Jocko Willink and started being... well, me.

Identity Is a Choice (Not a Discovery)

Here's the thing most self-help gurus won't tell you: you don't have ONE true identity waiting to be discovered. You're not digging for buried treasure in your soul.

You're choosing. Every single day.

The research on identity-based habit formation is solid, but it misses a crucial point. The power isn't in finding the "right" identity - it's in consciously selecting identities that serve your goals and feel authentic to your core values.

Think about it this way: you already wear different identities throughout your day. You're one person with your kids, another in work meetings, and someone else entirely when you're alone with your thoughts. The question isn't "who am I?" but rather "which version of me am I going to strengthen today?"

A Framework for Choosing Your Identity

Over the past three years, I've experimented with different identity lenses for building habits. Some crashed and burned spectacularly. Others created momentum I never thought possible.

Here's what I learned about choosing identities that actually stick:

1. Match Energy, Not Aspiration

Stop choosing identities based on who you think you should be. Instead, look at your natural energy patterns.

I'm not naturally aggressive or militaristic. When I tried the "warrior" identity, it felt forced. But "explorer"? That resonated. Suddenly, my morning runs became expeditions. My strength training became experiments in physical capability.

Same behaviors. Completely different internal experience.

2. Focus on Process, Not Outcome

Tough people endure. Creative people experiment. Curious people investigate. Scientists test hypotheses.

Notice how some of these identities naturally emphasize the journey while others focus on powering through to results? I've found that process-oriented identities tend to be more sustainable because they make the daily work intrinsically rewarding.

3. Choose Identities That Scale

Here's where it gets interesting. Some identities work great for small challenges but crack under pressure. Others grow stronger as the stakes increase.

The "perfectionist" identity might help you meal prep consistently, but it often crumbles when life gets messy. The "experimenter" identity, however, thrives on chaos and setbacks because they become data points rather than failures.

Beyond Toughness: Identity Examples That Work

Let me share some alternative identity frameworks I've seen work beautifully for different people:

The Scientist: "I'm someone who runs experiments on myself." This person approaches fitness like a research project. They track variables, adjust protocols, and find genuine excitement in the data. When a workout doesn't go as planned, it's not failure - it's information.

The Craftsperson: "I'm someone who takes pride in my work." This identity works especially well for people who love mastery and refinement. They're not just exercising; they're honing their craft of movement, nutrition, recovery.

The Caregiver: "I'm someone who shows up for the people I love." This often resonates with parents or people in helping professions. Their self-care isn't selfish - it's essential to their ability to serve others.

The Creator: "I'm someone who builds things." They're not just losing weight; they're sculpting their body. They're not just meditating; they're constructing inner peace. The creative process becomes the reward.

I know a guy who transformed his health by embracing the identity of "someone who solves problems." Every obstacle became a puzzle to figure out. Can't find time to work out? Problem to solve. Don't enjoy vegetables? Another interesting challenge.

He lost 40 pounds and gained a sense of competence that spilled into every area of his life. Never once called himself tough.

The Implementation Game

Alright, enough theory. How do you actually do this?

Start with this exercise: Think about the last time you felt genuinely excited about a challenge (not just willing to endure it, but actually energized by it). What identity were you operating from in that moment?

Maybe you felt like a detective solving a mystery. A gardener tending something precious. An artist expressing your vision. An engineer optimizing a system.

That's your clue.

Once you've identified a potential identity, test it out with small behaviors for two weeks. Don't announce it to the world. Don't make grand proclamations. Just quietly try it on and see how it feels.

Instead of "I need to be tougher about my diet," try "I'm curious about how different foods affect my energy" or "I'm an experimenter testing what works for my body."

Pay attention to your internal dialogue. Do you find yourself looking forward to your "experiments"? Do challenges feel more interesting than intimidating?

If the identity doesn't fit after two weeks, try a different one. This isn't about finding your "one true self" - it's about expanding your toolkit of useful perspectives.

The Heuristics Game (But Make It Yours)

The article mentions those punchy sayings that successful groups use. "Pressure is a privilege." "No shortcuts." That stuff.

Here's what I've noticed: the most powerful heuristics aren't the ones you copy from elite athletes or successful companies. They're the ones that emerge naturally from your chosen identity.

When I embraced the "explorer" identity, my personal heuristic became "What would I discover if I tried?" When I was focusing on being a "craftsperson," it was "How can I make this more elegant?"

A friend who sees herself as a "scholar of human potential" has the saying "What would this teach someone else?" Another friend operating from the "gardener" identity asks "What does this need to grow?"

These aren't Instagram-ready quotes. They're personal mantras that actually shift behavior because they're authentic to the underlying identity.

Your Identity, Your Choice

Here's what I wish someone had told me when I was struggling with those running shoes: You don't have to become someone else to change your life. You just have to become more intentional about which aspects of yourself you're strengthening.

The research on identity-based change is powerful, but it's incomplete if we only focus on one type of empowering identity. Toughness works for some people. Curiosity works for others. Creativity, service, mastery, play - they can all be identity foundations for sustainable change.

The magic isn't in the specific identity you choose. It's in the choosing itself.

So here's my challenge for you: What identity have you been forcing yourself into that doesn't quite fit? And what alternative might serve you better?

Maybe it's time to stop trying to be tough and start being intentional about who you're becoming.

The person you're meant to be might be more interesting than the person you think you should be.