Your Stress isn't Broken, It's Just Confused

I used to think my anxiety was defective. Like someone had installed the wrong operating system in my brain and I was stuck running Windows ME while everyone else had the latest MacOS.

Turns out? My stress response wasn't broken. It was just... really, really confused.

Picture this: You're sitting in a meeting about quarterly reports, and your nervous system suddenly decides this PowerPoint presentation is basically a saber-toothed tiger. Heart rate spikes. Breathing gets shallow. Your executive function just... leaves the building.

Welcome to being human in 2024.

Your Stress is Actually Your Overprotective Bodyguard

Here's what I wish someone had told me earlier: Your stress isn't trying to ruin your life. It's trying to save it.

Think of your nervous system as that friend who still brings up that one time you got hurt in college. You know, the one who sees you talking to literally anyone new and immediately whispers, "But remember what happened with Brad?"

Except instead of Brad, it's... everything. That critical email from your boss? Threat. Running late for an appointment? Threat. Choosing what to watch on Netflix? Somehow also a threat.

This is what scientists call "attentional threat bias," and it's basically your brain's way of saying, "Hey, remember when our ancestors who ignored rustling bushes got eaten? Yeah, let's not do that."

The problem is, your brain can't tell the difference between a rustling bush and your father-in-law making another comment about your life choices.

Why Logic Doesn't Work When You're Activated

You've probably noticed that telling an anxious person to "just relax" works about as well as telling a cat to stop judging you. (Spoiler alert: cats will continue judging you, and anxious people will continue being anxious.)

When we're stressed, the thinking parts of our brain basically go offline. It's like trying to open twenty browser tabs when your computer's already frozen - nothing new is getting processed.

This is why your clients (and maybe you too) can know exactly what they should do - eat vegetables, go to bed early, stop doom-scrolling at 2 AM - but find themselves doing the complete opposite when stress hits.

It's not a willpower problem. It's a nervous system problem.

The Art of Speaking to Someone's Nervous System

Here's where it gets interesting. You can't logic someone out of a stress response, but you can help their nervous system remember it's safe.

I learned this the hard way after years of trying to think my way out of anxiety spirals. Turns out, your body is way smarter than your brain sometimes.

1. Breathe First, Think Second

When someone's in that activated state, their nervous system is basically screaming, "EMERGENCY! EVERYONE PANIC!"

You can't reason with that. But you can model calm.

I remember working with Sarah (not her real name, obviously), who came to our session practically vibrating with stress. Instead of jumping into problem-solving mode, I just... slowed down. Took a visible breath. Softened my voice.

"Let's just pause for a second here," I said, "and figure out what's actually happening."

Within minutes, her shoulders dropped. Not because of anything profound I said, but because her nervous system picked up on mine and thought, "Oh, maybe we're not dying after all."

The magic phrase: "Let's just pause for a deep breath here as we consider some different options."

2. Hand Over the Remote Control

Nothing makes a stressed person more stressed than feeling like they have no choice in what happens next.

Your client's nervous system is already convinced it's under attack. If you start telling them what they need to do differently, you've just become another threat.

Instead? Make them the boss of their own experience.

Try saying: "This is your journey, and you're the one driving. I'm just here with the GPS if you want it."

I can't tell you how many times I've watched someone's entire energy shift when they remember they get to choose what comes next.

3. Prove They're Not Alone

Here's some brutal honesty: humans are pack animals. When we feel isolated, our threat system goes haywire.

Your stressed client isn't just dealing with whatever problem brought them to you. They're also dealing with the primal fear that they're facing it alone.

What works: "This is hard, and you don't have to figure it out by yourself. I'm here, and we'll navigate this together."

Simple? Yes. Revolutionary for someone whose nervous system is convinced they're abandoned on a deserted island? Also yes.

4. Map Out the Journey

Uncertainty is like catnip for anxiety. The unknown feels dangerous, so our brains fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.

When I don't know what to expect, my brain helpfully provides a horror movie trailer: "What if everything goes wrong? What if I fail spectacularly? What if aliens invade during my presentation?"

(Okay, maybe that last one's just me.)

The antidote: Paint a picture of what the process looks like.

"So here's what we can expect: At first, trying to change this pattern might feel weird or uncomfortable. That's totally normal. We'll probably need to experiment with a few different approaches before finding what clicks for you."

Suddenly, discomfort isn't a sign that something's wrong. It's just part of the map.

5. Take the Pressure Off

This one's counterintuitive, but bear with me.

Sometimes the best way to help someone change is to give them permission not to.

I know, I know. It sounds backwards. But think about it - if someone's nervous system is already overwhelmed, adding pressure to transform their entire life isn't exactly helpful.

Try this: "You know what? Maybe this isn't the week to tackle that particular goal. What if we just stayed here and practiced what you've already learned?"

Nine times out of ten, taking the pressure off actually makes people more willing to try new things. It's like reverse psychology, but with nervous systems.

6. Find the Remote Control

When everything feels chaotic, our brains love to fixate on stuff we can't control.

Can't control your boss's mood? Let's obsess over it. Can't control aging? Perfect rumination material. Can't control your teenager's attitude? Time for a 3 AM worry spiral.

Meanwhile, the things we actually can influence - our sleep routine, how we talk to ourselves, whether we eat breakfast - get ignored.

The shift: Help your client identify what's actually in their control, and start there.

I use something called the Spheres of Control exercise. Imagine three circles:

• Total control (your thoughts, actions, responses)
• Some control (your environment, relationships, habits)
• No control (other people's behavior, the weather, global pandemics)

The goal isn't to control everything. It's to put your energy where it can actually make a difference.

When Sarah Met Her Stress Differently

Remember Sarah? Three months after our first session, she texted me: "Had a stressful day, but instead of spiraling, I actually asked myself what I could control. Made dinner instead of ordering takeout for the third time this week. Small wins, right?"

That's the thing about working with your nervous system instead of against it. The changes don't always look dramatic from the outside. But they feel revolutionary on the inside.

Your Stress Isn't Going Anywhere (And That's Okay)

Here's what I wish more people understood: The goal isn't to eliminate stress. It's to help your nervous system get better at telling the difference between actual threats and false alarms.

Your stress response kept your ancestors alive. It's not going anywhere, and honestly? You wouldn't want it to.

But you can teach it to chill out a little when you're just trying to decide what to have for lunch.

The techniques I've shared aren't magic spells. They're ways of communicating with the most primal parts of ourselves - the parts that just want to know we're safe, supported, and not facing the world alone.

Sometimes that's all someone needs to go from "everything is falling apart" to "okay, I can handle this."

And if you're reading this while feeling stressed yourself? Take a breath. You're not broken. Your nervous system is just doing its job a little too enthusiastically.

The real question isn't how to stop feeling stressed. It's how to feel stressed and still show up for your life anyway.

What's one small thing you could do today that's completely within your control? I'd love to hear about it in the comments.