Your Clients Aren't Broken (And Neither Are You)

I used to think my clients were just... stubborn.
Like, why would someone pay me good money to help them lose weight, then proceed to demolish a bag of Doritos while texting me about how "motivated" they were? It felt personal. Like they were doing it just to mess with my head.
Plot twist: I was the problem.
Not because I was a terrible coach (though my meal plans were basically punishment disguised as nutrition). But because I was treating symptoms instead of asking the most important question in coaching:
What problem is this behavior actually solving?
The Willpower Myth is Killing Your Coaching Game
Here's what nobody talks about in those shiny certification programs: Your clients aren't failing because they lack willpower. They're not broken, weak, or "unmotivated."
They're actually brilliant problem-solvers.
That nightly wine habit? It's solving the problem of a soul-crushing job. Those skipped workouts? Maybe they're avoiding the gym because it reminds them of their ex who made them feel like crap about their body. The stress eating? Could be the only 10 minutes of the day they get to themselves.
But we coaches just keep shouting "eat more vegetables!" like we're some kind of produce evangelists.
I learned this the hard way with a client I'll call Jessica (because that's not her name and privacy matters, folks). Jessica came to me wanting to lose 30 pounds. She was doing everything "right" - meal prepping, tracking macros, the whole nine yards. Except every weekend, she'd have what she called "episodes" where she'd eat everything in sight.
My old approach? "Let's meal prep for weekends too! More willpower! Try harder!"
Spoiler alert: That didn't work.
The Day Everything Changed
After months of this cycle, I finally asked Jessica the two questions that changed everything:
"What's good about these weekend episodes? What are they doing for you?"
She looked at me like I'd grown a second head. Then she started crying.
Turns out, Jessica was the primary caregiver for her mom with dementia. Weekends weren't about food at all - they were about grief, exhaustion, and the only way she knew how to give herself permission to feel her feelings.
The food wasn't the problem. It was the solution.
Mind. Blown.
The Real Framework: How to Actually Help People
After working with hundreds of clients (and doing a lot of therapy myself, because coaches need coaches too), I've developed what I call the "Get Curious, Not Furious" method.
Step 1: Become a Detective, Not a Drill Sergeant
Instead of immediately jumping to "solutions," get weird with your questions:
- "Walk me through exactly what happens in the hour before you usually [insert behavior]"
- "If this behavior could talk, what would it say to you?"
- "What would you lose if you stopped doing this tomorrow?"
I know these sound like therapy questions. That's because they are. And no, you're not stepping outside your scope - you're just being a human talking to another human.
Step 2: Find the Hidden Genius
Every "bad" habit is solving a problem. Your job is to find it.
Sarah stress-shops online at 2 AM? Maybe she's dealing with insomnia and anxiety, and the shopping gives her brain something to focus on besides spiraling thoughts.
Mike eats fast food every day despite claiming he wants to eat healthier? Could be that cooking feels overwhelming when he's dealing with depression, and at least fast food gets some calories in him.
The behavior makes perfect sense once you understand the problem it's solving.
Step 3: Become Their Biggest Fan
This is where most coaches screw up. Instead of shaming the behavior, celebrate what it reveals about your client's strengths.
"Sarah, it sounds like you've found a way to self-soothe when your anxiety spikes. That shows incredible self-awareness about your needs."
"Mike, you're making sure you eat something every day even when everything feels hard. That's actually a form of self-care."
Yes, I'm serious. Find the genius in the "dysfunction."
Step 4: Give Them Permission to Not Change
This is the scariest part for control-freak coaches (speaking from experience).
Ask your client: "Given everything we've talked about, do you actually want to change this behavior? Not changing is totally okay."
Half the time, just giving someone permission to keep their coping mechanism reduces their shame around it enough that they naturally start shifting the behavior.
And sometimes? They're not ready to change, and that's fine too. Your job isn't to force change - it's to create a safe space where change can happen if and when they're ready.
Step 5: Co-Create Solutions (Don't Prescribe Them)
If they do want to shift things, don't just throw solutions at them. Ask questions like:
- "If you were coaching someone with this exact situation, what would you suggest?"
- "What's the tiniest shift we could make that would still honor what this behavior is doing for you?"
Maybe Sarah starts with a 5-minute meditation app instead of shopping. Maybe Mike begins with rotisserie chicken and pre-cut vegetables instead of cooking from scratch.
The key is finding solutions that solve the same underlying problem in a way that feels better to them.
But What If It's "Serious" Stuff?
Look, sometimes you'll uncover things that are way outside your wheelhouse. Trauma, abuse, serious mental health issues. That's when you refer out - but you don't abandon ship.
I've had clients dealing with eating disorders, PTSD, abusive relationships. My job isn't to therapize them. It's to be part of their support team while they work with qualified professionals.
And here's something beautiful: when people start feeling better about their relationship with food and movement, it often makes the deeper work easier. Not because I'm magically healing trauma with smoothie recipes, but because they have one less thing to feel awful about.
The Ripple Effect
Once you start seeing behavior as problem-solving instead of self-sabotage, everything shifts. You'll stop taking it personally when clients don't follow your advice. You'll develop actual empathy instead of just pretending to be understanding. You'll become the kind of coach people trust with their real stuff, not just their macros.
But honestly? The biggest change might be in how you see yourself.
Because that voice in your head that says you're not disciplined enough, not motivated enough, not enough enough? It's probably solving a problem too. Maybe it's trying to keep you safe from failure, or help you fit in with the achievement culture we're all swimming in.
Your clients aren't broken. And neither are you.
The Uncomfortable Truth
Here's what I wish someone had told me when I started coaching: You're going to fail at this sometimes. You're going to want to shake clients and scream "JUST EAT THE VEGETABLES!" You're going to take their struggles personally and wonder if you're even cut out for this work.
That's not a bug - it's a feature. Because the moment you stop pretending to have all the answers and start getting genuinely curious about the beautiful, messy complexity of human behavior, you become dangerous.
Not dangerous in a bad way. Dangerous in a "this person might actually change my life" way.
So next time a client does something that seems totally counterproductive, try getting curious instead of frustrated. Ask what problem they might be solving. Look for the genius in the "dysfunction."
And maybe - just maybe - you'll discover that your clients have been teaching you all along.
What problem might your current frustrations be solving? I'm genuinely curious to know.