Why I Stopped Looking for Perfect Friends (And You Should Too)

Last month, my doctor told me my cholesterol was "borderline concerning." You know what she didn't ask about? Whether I had anyone to call when I'm having a rough day.

Funny thing is, research suggests she might've had it backwards. One study found that relationship satisfaction at midlife predicts long-term health better than cholesterol levels. Another showed that social isolation impacts our health as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Yet here we are, obsessing over our macros while completely ignoring our social nutrients.

The Problem with "Find Better Friends" Advice

I used to be one of those coaches who'd tell clients: "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If you want to be healthy, hang out with healthy people."

Cringe.

Here's the thing nobody talks about in those motivational posts: most of us can't just... swap out our friend group like we're updating our Spotify playlist.

My friend Sarah tried this approach. She was serious about getting fit, so she distanced herself from her "unhealthy" college friends and joined a CrossFit gym to find "her people." Six months later, she was lonely, isolated, and had gained back all the weight she'd lost. Turns out, her beer-loving, pizza-obsessed college crew was also her emotional support system.

Who knew?

The advice to ditch our "toxic" social circles sounds empowering, but it's often completely disconnected from reality. Our relationships aren't just accessories we can swap out - they're part of our identity, our history, our chosen family.

So what if I told you there was another way?

The Renovation Approach: Working with What You've Got

Instead of social circle replacement, I'm advocating for social circle renovation. Think of it like house flipping, but for relationships.

You don't tear down the whole house because the kitchen needs updating. You work with the good bones and improve what needs improving.

This shift changed everything for me as a coach - and as a human trying to navigate my own imperfect relationships.

Strategy 1: Become the Change You Want to See

Remember that Framingham Heart Study everyone quotes? The one showing you're more likely to be obese if your friends are obese? Well, it works both ways.

When you start showing up differently in your relationships, you give others permission to do the same.

I watched this happen with my client Jake. Instead of avoiding his weekly poker night because "the guys always order pizza and drink beer," he started bringing healthier snacks and sparkling water for himself. No announcements, no lectures about their choices.

Three months later, two of his poker buddies asked him about his routine. Now they do a Saturday morning walk before their Friday game. The pizza nights still happen, but there's also movement and connection that wasn't there before.

The key? Jake didn't try to change anyone else. He just consistently showed up as the person he wanted to be.

Try this: Pick one social situation where you usually compromise your wellbeing. Instead of avoiding it or trying to change others, show up authentically as yourself. Bring your own snacks, suggest a walking meeting, or simply order what you actually want.

Strategy 2: Get Specific About What You Need

Most of us are terrible at asking for support. We either don't ask at all, or we make vague requests like "I need you to be more supportive of my health goals."

What does that even mean?

I learned this lesson the hard way with my mom. Every time I visited, she'd make my favorite comfort foods - mac and cheese, chocolate chip cookies, the works. When I started changing my eating habits, I felt frustrated and unsupported. But I never actually told her what would be helpful.

Finally, I got specific: "Mom, I love that you want to show care through food. Could we cook something new together when I visit? I'd love to share some recipes I've been enjoying."

Now our kitchen time is even more special because we're both engaged and learning.

The magic formula: "I love [acknowledge their intention]. Would you be open to [specific, small request]?"

Examples:

• "I love that you think of me when you bring donuts to work. Would you be open to letting me know beforehand so I can plan my day around it?"
• "I love our coffee dates. Would you be open to trying that new place with the walking trail so we can chat and move at the same time?"

Strategy 3: Find Your One Percent People

You don't need your entire social circle to transform overnight. You just need one or two people who are willing to grow alongside you.

I call these your "one percent people" - the ones who are interested in getting just one percent better, consistently.

For me, it's my neighbor Tom. We're both inconsistent exercisers with a love for good food and a tendency to overthink everything. We started taking Tuesday evening walks just to vent about our weeks. No fitness goals, no health targets, just two humans walking and talking.

Those walks became the anchor of my week. Having that one consistent, supportive connection made it easier to navigate the other relationships that were still... a work in progress.

Look for: The person who responds positively when you share something you're working on. The one who remembers to ask how your thing went. The friend who says "yes" when you suggest trying something new together.

When Renovation Isn't Enough

Let's be real - sometimes relationships are genuinely harmful to our wellbeing. I'm not suggesting you tolerate abuse or stay in situations that consistently drain your energy with no reciprocity.

But before you write off an entire relationship, ask yourself:

• Is this person's behavior about me, or about their own stuff?
• Am I trying to get something from this relationship that it was never designed to provide?
• What would happen if I adjusted my expectations instead of trying to change them?

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is accept a relationship for what it is and find other sources for what it can't provide.

Your Social Health Experiment

Here's what I want you to try this week:

1. Audit your social energy. Notice which interactions leave you feeling energized vs. drained. Don't judge it, just notice.
2. Identify one relationship worth renovating. Pick someone you care about where there's mutual goodwill but maybe some friction around your health goals.
3. Try one small experiment. Use the "I love... would you be open to..." formula, or simply show up differently in one interaction.

The goal isn't perfection. It's not even dramatic transformation. It's just... slightly better connection with the humans you've already chosen to have in your life.

Because here's what I've learned: perfect relationships don't exist. But relationships that grow and adapt alongside us? Those are worth their weight in gold.

And unlike cholesterol levels, there's no prescription required.

What's one relationship in your life that could use some renovation rather than replacement? I'd love to hear about your experiments in the comments - the messier and more real, the better.