Why "Earning" Your Happiness is Making You Miserable

I used to have a spreadsheet for my happiness.

No, seriously.

Back in 2019, I had color-coded cells tracking my weight, my income, my relationship status, and even my damn meditation streak. Green meant "on track to deserve joy," yellow meant "work harder," and red meant... well, red meant I should probably just hide under my weighted blanket and try again tomorrow.

The insane part? I thought this was normal. I thought happiness was something you earned through good behavior, like gold stars in elementary school or employee of the month parking spots.

Turns out, I had it completely backwards.

The Happiness Hustle is a Scam

Here's what nobody talks about: our culture has turned happiness into a goddamn performance review. We've been conditioned to believe that joy is the reward for jumping through enough hoops – lose the weight, get the promotion, find the person, buy the thing, optimize the morning routine.

But here's the thing that'll mess with your head: happiness isn't something you earn. It's something you allow.

I know, I know. That sounds like something you'd see on a throw pillow at Target. But stick with me here, because this distinction literally changed my life.

The difference between earning and allowing is huge. When you're trying to earn happiness, you're operating from scarcity – there's not enough joy to go around, so you better work your ass off to deserve your tiny slice. When you're allowing happiness, you're recognizing that it's already there, waiting for you to stop blocking it with your conditions and requirements.

Why We're Addicted to "Earned Happiness"

So why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we insist on making happiness so damn complicated?

Partly, it's because we're scared. If happiness doesn't have to be earned, then what's our excuse for not being happy right now? What if we've been making ourselves miserable for no reason? That's a tough pill to swallow.

But there's something deeper going on here. We've confused growth with suffering. We think that if we're not struggling, we're not improving. We've bought into this Puritan-esque belief that anything good must come through pain, sacrifice, and endless self-improvement.

I see this everywhere:

• The person who won't buy nice clothes until they lose weight
• The entrepreneur who won't take a vacation until they hit six figures
• The single person who won't fully enjoy their life until they find "the one"
• The perfectionist (hi, that was me) who won't celebrate small wins because they're "not good enough yet"

We're all walking around with this unconscious belief that we're not quite ready for happiness yet. We need to be better first. Thinner, richer, more successful, more spiritual, more whatever.

But what if that's exactly what's keeping us stuck?

The Psychology Behind Our Self-Imposed Happiness Prison

There's this concept in psychology called "affective forecasting" – basically, we're terrible at predicting how we'll actually feel when we achieve our goals. We think losing 20 pounds will make us feel amazing for months, but the reality is that we adapt to new circumstances incredibly quickly.

That promotion you worked 60-hour weeks for? Yeah, you'll be happy for about two weeks before it becomes your new normal and you start eyeing the next rung on the ladder.

This is why the "I'll be happy when..." game is rigged from the start. You're chasing a moving target that, even when you hit it, doesn't deliver the lasting satisfaction you expected.

But here's what's even more messed up: while you're busy trying to earn your happiness, you're actually training your brain to associate your current state with "not good enough." You're reinforcing the neural pathways that tell you that where you are right now isn't acceptable.

No wonder we're all anxious and burnt out.

What It Actually Looks Like to Allow Happiness

Okay, so if earning happiness is a dead end, what does allowing it actually look like? Because I'll be honest – when I first heard this concept, I thought it sounded like spiritual bypassing bullshit. Like, "Just be happy! It's a choice!"

Nah. That's not what this is.

Allowing happiness means recognizing that your worth isn't conditional. It means understanding that you don't have to deserve basic human experiences like joy, rest, pleasure, and love. It means giving yourself permission to feel good in your current body, with your current bank account, in your current life situation.

This doesn't mean you stop growing or having goals. It means you stop making your happiness contingent on those goals.

For me, this shift looked like:

Instead of: "I'll buy cute clothes when I lose 15 pounds" I did: Bought a dress I loved in my actual size and felt amazing in it

Instead of: "I'll take a real vacation when my business is more stable" I did: Took a long weekend trip to the coast and came back more creative and energized

Instead of: "I'll feel successful when I hit my income goal" I did: Started celebrating the fact that I get paid to write about topics I care about

The weird thing? Once I stopped withholding happiness from myself, I actually started moving toward my goals faster. I had more energy, more creativity, more resilience. Turns out, happiness isn't the enemy of ambition – it's rocket fuel for it.

The Permission Slip You've Been Waiting For

Here's your permission slip (yes, I'm being dramatic, but also dead serious):

You have permission to enjoy your life right now, exactly as it is.

You have permission to feel proud of yourself before you've "arrived."

You have permission to rest without earning it through exhaustion.

You have permission to take up space, wear the clothes you want, pursue the hobbies that bring you joy, and treat yourself with kindness – not because you've checked enough boxes, but because you're a human being who deserves those things.

I know this might feel scary or wrong. We've been conditioned to believe that happiness is lazy, that satisfaction kills motivation. But what if the opposite is true? What if the people who change the world are the ones who learned to be happy first?

A Small Experiment in Allowing

If you're still reading this and thinking "okay Maya, but how the hell do I actually DO this?", I get it. Here's a tiny experiment you can try:

Think of one small thing you're withholding from yourself until you achieve some goal. Maybe it's:

• Buying yourself flowers
• Taking a bubble bath on a weeknight
• Wearing that outfit you're "saving" for when you lose weight
• Applying for that dream job you don't feel "qualified" for yet
• Taking a photography class you've been wanting to try

Now, here's the radical part: do it anyway.

Not because you've earned it. Not because you deserve it. But because you're a human being, and human beings get to have nice things and joyful experiences just for existing.

Start small. Start imperfect. Start before you're ready.

The Plot Twist Nobody Sees Coming

Here's what happened when I stopped trying to earn my happiness: I became a completely different person. Not because I achieved all my goals (I didn't), but because I stopped living like I was fundamentally flawed and in need of fixing.

When you're not constantly trying to prove your worth through achievements, you have so much more mental and emotional bandwidth for actually living. You make decisions from a place of abundance instead of scarcity. You take risks because you're not terrified of failing and losing your tenuous grip on okayness.

My business grew. My relationships deepened. I finally learned to salsa dance (badly, but with enthusiasm). I traveled alone for the first time. I wrote the vulnerable stuff I was always too scared to share.

None of this happened because I finally "earned" the right to a good life. It happened because I stopped believing that lie in the first place.

Your Happiness Doesn't Need a Reason

The most radical thing you can do in a culture obsessed with optimization and earning your keep is to be happy for no reason at all.

Not happy because you lost the weight or got the promotion or found the person. Just... happy. Because you're alive, because the sun came up today, because your coffee tastes good, because you're exactly where you need to be.

I'm not saying this is easy. I still catch myself slipping back into "earn your joy" mode sometimes. But now I recognize it for what it is: an old program running in the background, trying to convince me that I'm not enough yet.

The truth is, you've always been enough. You've always been worthy of happiness, love, and all the good things you're trying so hard to earn.

The only thing left to do is believe it.

What's one small thing you've been withholding from yourself? What would happen if you gave yourself permission to have it today?