Weight Loss Wisdom

Stop Saying "If I Can Do It, You Can Too" — You're Making Everything Worse

I used to be that person.

You know the one. The newly-converted fitness enthusiast who'd corner people at parties to explain how they just needed to "want it more." The coach who'd look at struggling clients and think, "Come on, I figured it out, what's their problem?"

(Spoiler alert: I was the problem.)

It took me exactly three years of watching good people quit, feeling like failures, to realize that my favorite motivational phrase was actually... kinda cruel? And definitely useless.

"If I can do it, you can do it" might be the most well-intentioned lie we tell in fitness. And honestly? It's time we retired it.

The Day I Realized I Was Being a Terrible Coach

Picture this: Me, two years into my coaching career, sitting across from Sarah (name changed because I'm not a monster). She's telling me about her third failed attempt at consistent gym attendance, and I'm nodding along, preparing my usual pep talk.

"Look," I say, leaning forward with what I thought was inspiring confidence, "I get it. I used to hate the gym too. But I pushed through, and now I love it! If I can do it, you totally can."

Sarah just stared at me. Then she asked, "Do you have three kids under five and a husband who travels for work?"

I did not.

"Do you work two part-time jobs because one doesn't cover your rent?"

I did not.

"Have you ever had to choose between buying groceries and paying for gym membership?"

I definitely did not.

That conversation haunted me for weeks (okay, months... fine, it still haunts me). Because Sarah wasn't lacking motivation or willpower. She was lacking what I had in abundance: privilege, resources, and frankly, dumb luck.

Why This Phrase is Actually Psychological Warfare

Here's what happens in someone's brain when you hit them with "if I can do it, you can do it":

First, they compare their inside (messy, complicated, full of obstacles) to your outside (polished success story).

Second, they feel like their very real barriers are being dismissed as excuses.

Third, they internalize that if they can't replicate your success, they must be doing something wrong.

It's like telling someone who's drowning, "Hey, I learned to swim, so just stop drowning!" Technically accurate that swimming is possible, but spectacularly unhelpful given the current circumstances.

The Inconvenient Truth About Individual Differences

Let's get uncomfortable for a minute and talk about why your success story might not be the universal blueprint you think it is.

I used to think everyone could meal prep on Sundays like I did. Then I met clients who:

Work weekend shift jobs
Don't have reliable kitchen access
Live in food deserts where fresh ingredients cost 3x what they do in my neighborhood
Have family members who get offended if they don't eat what's prepared

My "simple" Sunday meal prep routine? Turns out it required having Sundays off, a full kitchen, disposable income, and complete control over my eating environment. Who knew being privileged was such a crucial ingredient in my success recipe?

Genetics Don't Care About Your Motivation

This one's hard to swallow, but some people's bodies just... work differently.

I have a client who does everything "right" – exercises consistently, eats balanced meals, gets adequate sleep. Her progress? Slow and steady. Meanwhile, her sister (who admittedly puts in effort but nothing like my client) seems to lean out just by thinking about the gym.

Same family dinners growing up. Same basic lifestyle. Completely different results.

When we act like effort alone determines outcomes, we're ignoring the very real biological lottery that affects everything from metabolism to muscle-building capacity to how our bodies store fat.

Luck is a Bigger Factor Than We Want to Admit

Nobody wants to hear this (especially those of us who've worked hard for our results), but timing and circumstances matter. A lot.

Maybe you started your fitness journey right when:

You had a job with flexible hours
Your kids were old enough to be more independent
You discovered that one workout style that clicked for your body
You found a coach/friend/program that worked perfectly for your learning style

What if any of those factors had been different? What if you'd tried to start your transformation during a family crisis, or when you were working 60-hour weeks, or when you were dealing with undiagnosed health issues?

I'm not saying hard work doesn't matter – it absolutely does. But let's stop pretending that effort exists in a vacuum, completely separate from circumstances and timing.

What to Say Instead (That Actually Helps)

Okay, so if "you can do it because I did it" is off the table, how do we actually motivate and support people? Here are three approaches that don't make me cringe:

1. Get Curious Instead of Prescriptive

Replace: "I meal prepped my way to success, just do what I did!"

With: "I know meal prepping worked well for me, but I'm curious – what would realistic food preparation look like given your schedule and living situation?"

This opens up a conversation instead of shutting it down. Maybe meal prepping isn't their answer. Maybe it's keeping emergency snacks in their car, or finding one healthy restaurant near their office they can rely on.

The goal isn't to replicate your path. It's to find their path.

2. Acknowledge Their Specific Challenges

Instead of minimizing obstacles, try naming them:

"It sounds like you're trying to prioritize your health while managing some really significant time and energy constraints. That's actually incredibly difficult, and the fact that you're even here having this conversation shows how committed you are."

This doesn't solve their problems, but it validates their experience. And validation is weirdly powerful – people are more likely to problem-solve creatively when they feel heard rather than judged.

3. Point to Their Evidence, Not Yours

Rather than: "I figured out how to exercise consistently, so I know you can too!"

Try: "Remember how three months ago you thought you'd never be able to drink more water consistently? And now you're averaging 60 ounces a day without really thinking about it. You have evidence that you can create lasting changes."

This reminds them of their own capability without imposing your timeline, methods, or circumstances on their situation.

The Real Question We Should Be Asking

Here's what I wish someone had told me during my early coaching days: The question isn't "How can I get this person to do what worked for me?"

It's "How can I help this person figure out what works for them, given their actual life circumstances?"

This requires way more nuance than motivational platitudes. It means:

Actually listening to understand, not just to respond
Getting comfortable with solutions that look nothing like what worked for you
Accepting that their version of success might be different from yours
Admitting that you don't have all the answers (I know, terrifying)

What This Looks Like in Practice

Last month, I worked with a client who wanted to lose weight but kept "failing" at traditional diet approaches. Instead of giving her my success formula, I asked what was actually happening when she tried to change her eating.

Turns out, she was stress-eating during her evening routine with her kids – specifically while helping with homework. Rather than telling her to meal prep her way out of stress (my go-to solution), we brainstormed ways to manage that specific trigger.

Her solution? Keeping cut vegetables and hummus ready during homework time, and setting a timer to remind herself to breathe when stress levels peaked.

Not sexy. Not Instagram-worthy. Not what worked for me.

But it worked for her, in her actual life, with her actual kids and her actual stress patterns.

Your Turn to Get Uncomfortable

So here's my challenge for anyone reading this (especially if you're in any kind of coaching or advice-giving role):

Think about the last time you said "if I can do it, you can do it" – or something similar. What assumptions were you making about that person's:

Available time and energy?
Financial resources?
Family responsibilities?
Living situation?
Health status?
Past experiences with fitness/nutrition?

What if, instead of leading with your solution, you led with curiosity about their situation?

I'm not saying we should never share our experiences or offer encouragement. But maybe – just maybe – we could start from a place of "tell me more about what you're dealing with" rather than "let me tell you what worked for me."

The Uncomfortable Truth About Helping People

Here's what I've learned after years of getting this wrong then (hopefully) getting it less wrong:

Real support isn't about convincing people they can replicate your path. It's about believing they can find a path that works for them, even if it looks completely different from yours.

It's messier and more complicated than motivational soundbites. But it's also more honest, more effective, and way less likely to make people feel like crap about themselves.

And honestly? That seems like a pretty good trade-off.

What's your take? Have you ever been on the receiving end of well-meaning but tone-deaf fitness advice? Or maybe you've caught yourself making assumptions about what "should" work for someone else? I'd love to hear your thoughts – the messy, complicated, real-life ones.